Onwards and Sidewards (Inc Ch 3)

So this is blogging eh? I have to say when I started this back in May and for six months afterwards having only two followers (one of whom was myself, as if that’s even a thing), I really had no idea what I wanted to get out of it all. I was solely using it to post my work online so that other members of my writing class could read it, but now I see the advantages that being part of an online community of writers can bring. Firstly thanks to everyone who has been in touch and commented on the work that I’ve posted, the irreverent ramblings I make, or to simply to pass on advice to a relative newb. It is greatly appreciated and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed reading your stuff too.

If only I had more hours in the day to read it all. I was recently asked what I would like for Christmas, and I genuinely struggle to think of anything. My response was ‘time’. Which went down like a sack of shit, of course.

It is true though, aside from that, a new car or a haircut, I’m buggered if I can think of something I need. FYI – Got my hair cut this morning, so available gifts left on the wish list are time or a new car, I’ll leave it up to you which you get me.

In the meantime, here are a few excerpts from chapter three of my novel. Out of context and disjointed, I’m more interested to hear what anyone out there thinks of my writing style, so please feel free to comment!

**********************************************************

Reefe was entirely happy to obey her orders and bounced back down into his chair. He watched with great attention as she walked towards the bar, wondering to himself how it was possible that she had become even more attractive than when they first met just a couple of hours before. Confident that there was no possibility of him being caught in the act, he cheerfully ogled her figure as she moved away from him and he began to ponder how such a tight fitting uniform could possibly be practical for anyone working in security.

*****************************************************

He looked again at the four table occupants and was sure that none of them were aware of his presence, so he decided to satisfy his intrigue. Creeping as stealthily as his inebriations would allow, Reefe rounded the corner of his booth and dropped to his knees, a great deal more quickly and painfully than he had hoped. The grime of the carpet made him gag as he placed one hand in front of the other to crawl shakily forward.

*****************************************************

Suddenly from the sphere burst six spindly, spiked legs that suckered themselves to the glass with a thud. Three inch-long jagged teeth sprung out and lurched forward, scratching the inside of the cylinder with a shrill scrape. A surge of bubbles carried the creature away and through the pipes as Reefe threw himself backwards and away from the tank with every ounce of strength he could summon, rolling across the floor and away from the booth.

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5 thoughts on “Onwards and Sidewards (Inc Ch 3)

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  1. “Reefe was entirely happy to obey her orders and bounced back down into his chair. ” This started out confusing. It initially looked like a misgendered pronoun. I’d replace “her” with the guard’s name. Or just “the guard’s order” instead of “her order”. Depending on how familiar we are with her.

    2nd: Great feeling of drunken shenanigans established.

    3rd: Confusing. Might be clearer with the surrounding paragraphs? Are the sphere and cylinder the same thing? Can’t picture teeth lurching.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for reading again Jim, I appreciate it.
      These sentences are completely taken out of context so I can understand your comments. The character to whom he’s talking at that point is well established and we know her name – Lowena. Looking back at the manuscript though I do realise I haven’t used her name for a while and I think this may need to be addressed. Substitute ‘her’ for ‘Lowena’s’ in this sentence.
      I may post the surrounding paragraphs for the third part too – it’s a section that I struggled writing initially and I’ve gone back over that many times, so would be useful to get some feedback on it in its current form. It’s on my to do list.
      Thanks again!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Verrrrry interesting! I think I’m gonna like it here!

    Thanks for dropping by and following an old fossil like me. I only hope one day I’ll have enough going on that I can post more than a couple of sentences as a “sneak peek” at my work, too!

    All the best success.

    p.s. yes, following yourself IS a thing…especially if you’re following from an annonymous, OTHER, blog!!

    Liked by 1 person

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